by Bonnie White, Women’s Minister
Do you ever feel shame for simply having needs? I have, and I have talked to many others who have too. A few friends and I even came up with this little mantra, “we aren’t needy, but we have needs,” as we wrestled with addressing our own needs. This mantra helped us as we sought to build deeper relationships with one another because each of us struggled with a healthy relationship with need. We all had the perception that we were “needy” simply because we had needs, especially unmet needs in our lives. Neediness was equated with weakness and shame. These feelings of shame would creep up as we started to address our own areas of need together, ergo the mantra for us to remind one another of.
This may be a silly saying, but the wrestle with having needs and breaking free from feeling shame is a genuine struggle for every woman I interact with at Living Hope. Many have survived difficult circumstances and deep wounds by becoming self-sufficient, taking on all their own needs. Those they should have been able to depend on to meet their true God given needs for love, connection, and comfort failed them. As a result, to protect their precious hearts, they have believed the lie that their needs don’t matter. Their needs aren’t safe, resulting in deep feelings of shame around needs.
Feelings of shame
Feelings of shame surrounding needs paired with negative stereotypes, especially feminine stereotypes, surrounding neediness as being weak, further complicates the relationship with needs and women struggling with same-sex attraction. Femininity itself is often equated with weakness, vulnerability, and being a victim, which results in their desires for self-sufficiency to protect against being seen as weak and feeling shame.
We are created to depend on God
The problem for them, and all of us, is that our humanity reveals and even demands our neediness. We are created to depend on our God and Creator first, and then interdependent on the family of God. We truly can do nothing without Him (Jn 15:5). Fighting against our need is fighting against our createdness (Is 45:9, Jer 18:2-6). He has made us with needs and with neediness, especially towards Him. Shame has no place with our dependence on God and his people. The beautiful, amazing truth is that God not only made us with needs, but He delights in meeting ALL our needs according to His riches (Phil 4:19).
Embrace your God-given needs without shame
So, what does it look like to embrace your God-given need without shame
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- Trust that God created you to depend on him (Prov 5:5-6).
- Explore why needs or feeling needy bring up feelings of shame.
- Bring all your needs and shame to the Cross.
Wherever you are with needs and feeling needy, know that your Heavenly Father is at your right hand ready to help you (Is 41:13). Take your need and your shame to Him. We, at Living Hope Ministries, are here to walk with you if you need a safe place to explore your needs with others who understand “we aren’t needy, but we have needs”.