by Ricky Chelette, Executive Director
I had known John for several months. He was a conscientious young man with a quick wit and sensitive heart. He loved his family, loved God, loved people, but struggled fiercely with an addiction to gay porn. He had not acted on his attractions, at least not yet, but the desire to be fully known, loved, and respected by a man was eroding his strong conviction to remain a virgin.
As we talked about his life, his struggles, and his hope to one day be a husband and dad. I asked him if he wanted to be similar to or different from his own father, and what he had experienced with his dad. No sooner had the words left my lips than the answer was on his tongue. Without hesitation, he said, “I would be different. I would make sure my son knew that I saw him.”
The answer didn’t really surprise me. The first time I heard that answer, I didn’t quite know what it meant, but after years of hearing gifted, talented, and sensitive young men say the very same words, I had a good idea what John was trying to communicate. But to be sure, I asked him, “What do you mean by that statement? How could you not see your son?”
“Oh,” he said, “It’s not that I wouldn’t physically see my son. My dad saw me; it was only recently that I moved out of his house. But he never really saw me, the real me. He never looked beyond my physical presence and saw me as a person.”
To Be Known
To be known – it seems to be one of the greatest needs in the human heart, and it is especially important to highly sensitive men. Because sensitive men comprise such a small segment of the male population (something less than 7% of all males are sensitive versus the 93%+ who are rough and tumble), they often don’t find large numbers of other men with whom they can relate. They generally have few, if any, male friends and often a very small group of friends in general. As a result, they need their father to truly understand them, affirm them, give attention to their interest and passions, and show them genuine affection. They long for someone to enter their world, see their world, and validate their feelings, interests, and passions. They long for someone to acknowledge how they feel, what they love, and what drives them, which is important to them and to God.
John, and thousands of other men I have talked with over the years, felt that was missing from their lives. As a result, they found “imaginary” ways to fill that void with controllable, predictable fantasies that were more dependable than the people who surrounded them and often failed to meet their unstated expectations.
John wanted his dad to truly know him, but after years of hoping and expecting, only to be disappointed, John had shut down any possibilities of that happening with his own father.
I tried to encourage John to give his dad another chance. Now that he was a man and not a boy, he could talk with his dad as a man, express what he needed, and hopefully set out a plan that would move their strained, somewhat distant relationship toward the kind of intimate relationship that could bring great delight to both him and his father. John was skeptical, but I was hopeful.
There is Hope
Many dads call our office to find out how to connect with their now-grown sons. They want a plan, a step-by-step approach to winning the heart of their adult child. I applaud their desire and am always eager to help point them toward reconciliation. Many dads are fearful that it might be too late, but I assure them, with God, it is NEVER too late. God has a way of bringing healing, renewing the mind, and mending the heart at any age. He is a healer. He brings things that are dead to life! He is faithful, even when we are not.
But what do dads need to do to connect with their adult child? Here’s a simple list for dads. It is not exhaustive, but hopefully it will spur your own creativity, imagination, and interest to put your own unique spin on these simple yet powerful relational tools. I pray they will help you capture your son’s heart.
- Ask your son for an honest assessment of your relationship. Ask, “How’s our relationship as father and son? How did you feel towards me growing up? Did you/Do you feel intimately connected to me? Am I a person you would go to if you had a really big problem to solve, a sin to confess, or a joy to share?” and if the answer is “no” then ask, “Why wouldn’t you come to me?” Be ready for whatever answer you might hear. Also, keep in mind that this is your son’s perception of his reality; it does not mean that you actually did something wrong or intentionally hurtful. In fact, in most cases, you did nothing malicious. But hear his heart. Ask questions. Ask for clarification. Ask how the things he described made him feel as a boy and now as a young man. Listen and don’t defend.
- Apologize for any perceived hurt, disconnect, misunderstandings, or misperceptions that may have occurred. If there was something that you know you actually did or something that you know he could have indeed interpreted in a hurtful way, then apologize for those things specifically and ask for his forgiveness. Again, this may be as simple as you not being around because your work took you out of town. It could be that he recalls a time when he wanted to talk with you or tried to tell you something, and you simply didn’t get the urgency of his request in that moment. Help him know that was not your heart and apologize for the pain that you now know it caused him.
- Ask your son, “What would it look like for you and me to work on repairing our relationship?” And then take careful note of what he says and what he is not saying. Listen. Then set out a plan to make some of the things he has suggested actually happen. If you have no idea how his suggestions would work out, ask him for specific ways/examples of how he would like to accomplish these suggestions. Let him know you are open to anything, and then be willing to do whatever “anything” is when he suggests it. It will likely take both of you outside your comfort zones, but it can be a wonderful experience of mutual sharing, learning, and loving.
- Enter his world and his passions. How excited do you feel when you find out your new co-worker is a huge fan of your favorite sports team? How do you feel when you discover the new small group leader at your church is in the same business field as you? How do you feel when someone seeks you out for advice or expresses interest in the things you are most passionate about? Typically, you feel valued, affirmed, respected, honored, known, and probably a little excited. Your son will feel the same way if you invest yourself in the things he is passionate about. This will likely be a bit of a challenge and even a stretch for you, but don’t think about it in terms of “I really hate this, but I’ll do it for you.” He will pick up on that sentiment in a heartbeat, and you will be wasting your time and his. In fact, you will further hurt him. Instead, look at it as a great adventure. Ask your son for help. Allow your son to be your guide. Seek out his advice, explanation, and instruction. Let him be your teacher, schooling you in the whys, hows, and how comes of whatever it is he likes. And even if it is something far outside your comfort zone, face it as a challenge and an opportunity to broaden your horizons, interests, and knowledge. Who knows, you may even discover a new hobby or interest! Also, as you invest in the things your son is passionate about, you will discover that he becomes interested in some of the things you enjoy as well, because he wants to continue building a relationship with you. But you will have to go the first mile or two. He has to see that you are sincere, not easily swayed, and truly determined to make the connection. Remember, he has a lifetime of perceived disappointment and isolation. This will take time, determination, and perseverance. And that brings me to my final suggestion.
- Don’t give up pursuing your son. Persevere! God gave you your son intentionally. He is not an accident, a misfit, or a misplaced child. He is YOUR son, created in the image of God and placed purposefully in your family. Your blood and DNA flow through his veins. You have the ability to be the very best father he could ever have, or God would not have placed him in your care. As a result, you have what it takes to make the relationship great. This will take time, so make an appointment with him once a week to visit, talk, share, pray for each other, play, and catch up on what is taking place in each other’s lives and hearts. If you are local to your son, do it in person and agree to turn off the phones when you meet. Eat dinner together and talk. Look each other in the eyes and be vulnerable and transparent. Tell him about your life, your frustrations now and when you were his age, your victories, and yes, even your massive failures and disappointments. Give him the stories from your life that help him put the why behind the what he experienced growing up. (A little context can do a lot of healing by way of explaining why something happened the way it did.) Tell him about what you see in him, what you admire about him, why you are so proud to have him as your son, and keep telling him. Repetition is the mother of all teaching methodologies. Your son has believed a lot of lies about himself for many years. It will take a lot of repetition of truth from you to replace those lies he believed. Don’t be afraid of awkward silence and times of just being present. There is something powerful about simply being with someone who loves you and believes in you. Put your arm around him. Put your hand on his shoulder when you talk to him. Hug him. Embrace him. Hold him if he cries. Cry with him if you are so moved. And dare I even suggest that you kiss him before you leave or when you arrive, or both (on the cheek or the forehead).
If you can’t be physically present with your son, then call, Zoom, or FaceTime, but make the appointment and keep it. Make it a priority and don’t relent.
Take Advantage of Technology
Also, use technology to your advantage. Text your son random things during the week that remind you of him – good things you read, versus that touched you and why, things you see that make you think of him (send a picture with a text as to why you sent the pic), random things that let him know you have him on your mind and in your heart. Sometimes just a simple, “Praying for you, son. I’m so proud to be your dad,” can mean the world to him. Don’t mix messages when you text. Keep it simple, straightforward, and affirming. For instance, “I know you don’t like football, but thought of you when I saw this,” only reminds him that you and he like different things, and you are assuming he still hates football. Such statements only reinforce his belief that you and he are very different and have nothing in common. Don’t feed the devil’s lies.
Be creative with these five broad areas of connection and reconciliation with your son. Help your son know that you not only see him physically, but you see him for who God has created him to be. You see a man of God, and you are proud of him. Let him know that you are in this battle for freedom, masculinity, integrity, and faith with him, and you are determined to see both of you succeed for God’s glory.