The Long Road Home

by Tamara

I have struggled with same sex attraction since the age of 11. Even at that young age, I wrestled with incredible guilt and shame. I knew that I loved God deeply, but I found it too difficult to ignore the desires within me to connect with other women both emotionally and physically.

I entered into my first adult homosexual relationship after moving to Washington D.C. from Texas. The move away from home left me feeling lonely and isolated until I met a woman at work who began to fill that void in my heart. I began talking to her about the Lord, and I invited her to come to church with me because she always seemed so down. She finally decided to join me after a few weeks. When we went out to eat afterward, she told that me she had previously been in relationships with females. It seemed that this was all it took for me to latch on, and I shared openly about all the ways I identified with her. She understood me and I felt that I could be vulnerable with her. I began spending all my time with her. If we weren’t together we were talking on the phone. This very quickly became a seriously co-dependent relationship. After a few weeks I stopped going to church because I couldn’t deal with the shame of standing before God knowing that I was in a relationship contrary to his word.

The affair with this woman lasted over three years. She was everything to me and I thought I was everything to her, but she eventually left me for someone else and our relationship was over. I couldn’t believe it. I was devastated and fell into a deep depression. Soon I found the strength to return to church. I will never forget the first time I returned to church.  I was crying uncontrollably on the way there, when all of a sudden a thought popped into my mind as I crossed over a bridge to get to the church. I felt like the enemy was saying Go ahead, do it, just drive the car off the bridge.  But the Lord spoke to me even more clearly saying I cant allow you to put anything before me and that’s why the relationship had to end. But even after all of that I am still here. I made it to church that day and immediately asked one of the ministers to pray for me. I was determined to never fall into another ungodly relationship. After all, God had just told me that He still loved me and that He hadn’t left my side despite my disobedience.

I stayed in DC for another six months before moving back home to Texas. I reunited with an old boyfriend, got a job, and quickly became active in a church. It seemed that all was going well and I felt closer to the Lord than I had ever felt. After a year of being back in Texas I got married. Looking back I can see that I rushed into marriage because I thought it would remove the temptation to be with another woman. A year after being married, I fell into another relationship with a woman. I met a woman at work and allowed our friendship to cross the line. My husband and I separated and though I knew all along that it wasnt Gods will, I carried on in this emotionally dependent relationship. I was trapped. The guilt and shame weighed heavily on me. I loved her, but I felt obligated to honor the vows I had spoken before God. I was happy with her, but I didn’t have peace. I knew I had to end the relationship but struggled with hurting someone who I had claimed to love so much. It took me a while, but finally I broke off the relationship and again rededicated my life to the Lord.

After ending the relationship with this woman, I knew I had to make a dramatic change. I knew I had to figure out what my struggle was all about and where it all really came from. I was desperately searching for answers, support, understanding and help to pull me out of the dark and desolate place in which I was trapped. I began searching the internet for resources and reading every book I could get my hands on. I found Living Hope about a month after I ended my two year affair. I was devastated and deeply grieving the loss of a woman in whom I had invested a tremendous amount of time, effort, and emotions. Living Hope has helped me press deeper into the heart of God. The support and understanding from others in the struggle has deeply encouraged me. I am truly grateful for the care and concern of this body of believers as they pour into my spirit the truth about who I am in Christ.

It’s been a year since I ended the relationship and reunited with my husband. The journey of restoration with my husband has not been easy, but I can say I have felt Gods presence every step of the way and Im incredibly grateful for His faithfulness me.