Annie asked if I had written anywhere about how I have got to this point where I can categorically say I am well free of SSA temptation.
Well, we all have individual walks. I wish I could say “Follow these steps A, B, C.”
But here’s some keys that were part of my story:
1 First I was probably luckier (if you can say that) than many of you here. I had gone lock stock and barrel into the whole lesbian lifestyle and had been so burned by many relationships that I was totally disillusioned. But at that point – probably just not interested in any sexual relationship. I felt like I had burned out on …. well, passion. I think I was totally sexually addicted – sex was my god. And, I worshipped at the altar of women.
2. By the time I came back to the Lord I knew that to go back to my old ways would be spiritual, eternal suicide.
3. So, the key thing for me was total surrender. That meant accepting anyone who came along as being someone the Lord was going to teach me something about himself – good and bad, Christian or not – and that I had to learn to love them. After all, I had tossed in my total social life, was living alone and didn’t have a lot of choice in this. So the Lord sent me derelicts, homeless, schizophrenics, etc. as neighbours etc. and I had the privilege of being ‘Jesus’ to them. Through this I began to find a satisfaction and love for people that was selfless rather than looking for someone who could fulfill me.
4. Next I had to submit to seeing myself through the eyes of Jesus. When he seemed to be sitting next to me one day as I was up to some old habit antics, whistling at a girl – I realized what a fraud I was! The Father had created me female – and he had a reason for why I was allowed to be the kind of female I am (not feminine etc.) – but female I am and it was about time I lost all those labels…. celibate gay, God’s ex-lesbian etc. I was just me. Nothing more, nothing less – a blank canvass for the Lord to paint on. (not that I wear paint!)
5. When he bought my husband Pete along, so many things pointed to the fact that God wanted us together. For me, there was little ‘feeling’ and certainly no chemical attraction – but definitely a recognition that when I was with Pete there was a strong sense of the presence of Jesus! That was worth hanging around Pete for. I know that this is unusual too but, well, our relationship didn’t start with the whole physical attraction thing, but more friendship and based on our mutual passion for Jesus.
6. Marriage secretly meant to me a chance to be a mother – so to a certain degree I submitted to God and Pete. But when our marriage was sentenced with the impossibility of having a family I then had to start learning to love Pete as a person! This was hard and took a great deal of being humbled and straightened out by the Lord. Sure, I could have divorced Pete (since he is the one that prevents us having children) but I had made a vow – first to never go back to my old life, and then on my wedding day to love and commit myself to Pete to the end of my days, for better or for worse etc.
6. I had to go through the same temptations that had taken me down the path I went once again. Only I had to have victories this time. Once I did turn from my weaknesses, I was never tempted again. Not to say I never could be tempted but I now have historic landmarks that I can point back to.
7. I have taught myself over the years to catch every thought that is going to take me down. Including self pity etc. which I battled with almost more than SSA at times – and depression and suicidal thoughts. Learning scripture to use as a weapon is a huge key to this. Also, catching the thought and saying to your self, “That isn’t true, I am not going to think like this.” After a time it gets easier as the devil doesn’t bother whacking you if you keep resisting him.
8 When the devil throws thoughts at me such as ‘You aren’t very feminine’ or ‘You are different from other women’ etc. I have learned to ‘Agree with my adversary quickly’ (Matt. 5:25
). What is the point in arguing? What he has said is true. If he says, ‘You had a lustful thought’ – if that is true, why argue? Agree with the enemy and add this statement, ‘Sure, that’s me, I did that. And, that is why I need Jesus, since he died for me and his blood has cleansed me and he has forgiven me! Thank you Lord!’ After a while, you don’t get bombarded with condemnation either as the devil hates to hear this declaration!
9. I guard what I look at, including movies etc. – feeding my mind. I guard who I befriend closely. And, I keep boundaries – always wanting to stay above reproach. I never want to be accused falsely – so I never touch another woman. Some close friends I might hug – but never in private.
10 I keep open and honest with Pete with everything.
11 I have a very very strong belief and hope in the next life. This includes a strong realisation that one day, I will have to stand before Jesus and give an account for my life. This is a good incentive to continue 1 thru to 10!
Shirlz
New Zealand