by Marsha Inman, Friends & Family Director
When we have unanswered questions, it’s amazing how quickly our minds start to fill in the blanks. This is not too different from what children do when they are in bed and hear unfamiliar noises in the dark. Their mind races to figure out what it is, and they almost never come to a benign conclusion. Instead, they envision that a monster who is cleverly hidden until dark is now coming to get them. We can all probably remember our personal monster creation when we were young. How many of us have ever met that monster? Even the disciples tended to jump to the worst-case scenario when facing a storm on the Sea of Galilee (Matt. 8:23-27). Did they forget who was with them? Winston Churchill said, “You cannot tell from appearances how things will go. Sometimes imagination makes things out far worse than they are.”
As adults, that tendency to imagine a bleak scenario is still within us, although tamed a little bit with more real-life information. The bad scenarios are now based on realistic possibilities, and scarier, because they are true to life. Soon after a loved one comes out as gay, trans, or identifying with some other letter in the LGBTQIA+ alphabet, the fear and worry start to dominate our thoughts. What we know – or think we know – about the trajectory of that identification begins to populate our imagination, creating all varieties of “what if” questions.
The Big Questions
What if my son/daughter/spouse/friend cuts off the relationship with me unless I fully affirm their new identity? What if they insist that I call them a different name or use different pronouns? What if they marry a same sex or trans partner? What if they bring children into that relationship? What if they get HIV, AIDS, or some other life-changing virus? What if they go on opposite sex hormones or get surgery? What if they never change from this new identity? The questions and alternate scenarios can be endless.
How reasonable is it, if you have just had a brief comment from your loved one that they are attracted to the same sex, or would like to change their sex, for you to go this far down the rabbit hole of “what if” questions? Instead of focusing on the current need—to talk to your loved one, assure them you still love them and want to be in their life, and hear what has brought them to this conclusion—you are instead spinning your wheels with things that have not happened and may never happen. We desire to know the end of the story when we have not been given that power. God knows what His plans are, and it is His decision whether to reveal what He is doing.
“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our sons forever, so that we may follow all the words of this Law.” Deuteronomy 29:29
“It is He who reveals the profound and hidden things;
He knows what is in the darkness,
And the light dwells with Him.” Daniel 2:22
Why would God withhold that information from us, and how do we keep from letting our fearful imagination take hold of us? Does it seem cruel that God would not share with us what He is doing and how long this is going to take? Maybe God’s goal is bigger than our comfort and the satisfaction of our questions, just as His view of our life and the life of our loved one is bigger than what we can see.
A Predetermined Outcome
Many friends and family members have already scripted what the answer to their prayers is going to look like, and the timetable in which that will happen. This is a recipe for disappointment and discouragement. God’s plans are never going to be like our plans. He tells us in Isaiah 55:8 that “…My thoughts are not your thoughts nor are your ways My ways.” When we don’t know what is going to happen or how long it will take, how can we keep from being worried and anxious? Those “what if” questions always forget to include God – that He will still be with you and that He is sovereign over all things.
If we are going to trade anxiety for peace, we must learn to trust Him, even if we do not see any evidence that change is happening. Hebrews alludes to this in chapter 11:1 when it says, “…faith is the certainty of things hoped for, a proof of things not seen.” We need to remind ourselves, as often as necessary, that “The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not willing for any to perish, but for all to come to repentance,” 2 Peter 3:9. What seems to be slow to you may allow your child time to come to themselves and repent. Keep praying with confidence! Trust that God hears you (1 John 5:14), thank Him as you pray (Philippians 4:6), and believe that He is a good God who gives good gifts (Luke 11:9-13), gifts that are better than what we think should happen (Ephesians 3:9).